Sunday, June 22, 2008

like crystal blue water

Periodically throughout the day my thoughts shift and turn astray, to thoughts of you and I stop and say, just what is it you’re doing, today? When not at work, how do you spend your day? What things occupy your leisure time? Do you share interests similar to mine? I will occasionally look at your picture and smile, and giggle and calm that sensation that burns out of my root chakra. It’s been a long time since we first met and only recently since we get to know each other. Are we karmic podmates, like dolphins sailing from pod to pod, reconnecting with one another? I approach cautiously, weighing each and every word I speak, write, every thought I allow to be sure I am acting in the spirit wholly and completely of who I am, and who I want to be. Sometimes, unconsciously, a fantasy will slip loose from my grip and I allow myself to feel the seductive decadence that could be us. I imagine touching your lips to mine anticipating the electricity that our souls would ignite. And then I catch myself, and ask for guidance to keep my intentions true. I sense that you are emotionally fragile. I was once there, and clung to every rung within my grasp. Some were not anchored and I lost my ground. Others served to elevate me to a new understanding. I want to be that for you: a rung that will help you rise to a new understanding of yourself. An appreciation of who you are and who you want to be. I don’t want to mislead you - I don’t want to fail you. And most of all, I don’t want to complicate your life anymore than it already is. And while I can, and want to be all those things for you, I am afraid. Afraid to allow myself …to allow another get inside my heart. Don’t look at the scars that have poorly healed - they’re an ugly mess of ragged tissue, a poorly designed and poorly crafted relationship gone wrong. I am safe within myself with no one to judge past craftsmanship. Sometimes we have to tear down existing ways of life to build newer, stronger more beautiful foundations. It’s all about Choices - the choices we make that design our experiences. We choose who we are, how we are.

Sometimes our choices lead us to experiences that are out of sync with who we really are. Then we need to choose again.

This is what I would say to you if I could.

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